I’m not often interested in shows that could conceivably sell out in less than five minutes after tickets have been made available, so imagine my disappointment when that exact thing happened on Friday as I waited in line for Darkness tickets. Now it appears that my only chances at seeing what will probably be the best show of the year are spending upwards of $100 on eBay or winning a radio station contest, neither of which is at all likely. I do instead foresee much wailing and gnashing of teeth on April 2nd, the day those magnificent Brits in tight trousers will be welcomed by Philadelphia, sans me.

I spent Saturday in Washington, DC, visiting my friends Lauren and John, ogling a supersaturated wall of rock posters at the Transformer gallery, and observing all kinds of wild animals in their unnatural habitats at the National Zoo. The highlight of my last visit to DC—14 years ago—was telling off my 8th grade recently-ex-girlfriend in the Smithsonian. The highlight of this visit was probably John’s aggressive inquisition of a hapless McDonald’s employee: “Shamrock shakes—ya got ’em?!”

Last night, I thumbed my nose at the Oscars by instead watching Darkness Falls, a plotless assembly-line turkey made by some poor hack who—if the interviews in the “Making of” featurette are to be believed—actually expected to take a supernatural slasher script about the Tooth Fairy (not the serial killer from Manhunter—the actual Tooth Fairy) to the level of horror classics like Jaws and Alien. Needless to say, he succeeded only in creating a formulaic, commercial genre flick rife with clichés and lacking even a shred of imagination. I’d say this one fits into the “so bad, it’s mediocre” category, recommended if you enjoy the occasional chuckle from schlockbuster crap like Final Destination and The Ring.